


what came before won't count anymore

by softlass27



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Reunion 3.0, Reunion Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-12
Updated: 2020-06-12
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:07:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24682825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softlass27/pseuds/softlass27
Summary: Robert has been released from prison 10 years earlier than expected. He has his freedom back, but not his home, not his husband... and that's okay. Too much time has passed, he already has more than he deserves, as he's sure Aaron would agree. Right?It's another reunion 3.0 fic, lads.
Relationships: Aaron Dingle/Robert Sugden
Comments: 28
Kudos: 149





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> For the purposes of this story, Aaron has full custody of Seb. Rebecca fell off a cliff or something idk.

Robert took a deep breath, hoisted a slumbering Seb a little higher in his arms and rang the doorbell. He didn’t have long to wait before a familiar shadow appeared in the window pane and Aaron was letting them into the Mill.

“Good day, then?” 

“Yeah, he passed out as soon as we got in the car,” Robert pressed a kiss to the six year-old’s hair. “Been running me ragged all day, but I guess he finally tired himself out in the end.”

“He always did love the zoo.”

“Yeah, good to know some things haven’t changed.”

Aaron smiled faintly, and suddenly Robert wished he hadn’t said anything.

“Do you want to take him up?” Aaron asked.

“No, it’s okay. You do it.” Robert carefully transferred Seb into Aaron’s arms, trying very hard not to focus on the way their hands brushed as he did so. Seb barely stirred, setting his head down on Aaron’s shoulder with the quietest snuffle.

Robert stepped back and shoved his hands in the pockets of his jeans. “I should get off, then. Let you put him to bed.”

“Actually, would you mind waiting a second?” Aaron asked. “I wanted to talk to you.”

“It’s late… ”

“It’ll only take me a couple of minutes to get him settled. Please.”

And when had Robert ever been able to deny Aaron anything?

“Okay. I’ll wait here.”

As Aaron and Seb disappeared up the spiral staircase, Robert’s eyes wandered around the dimly-lit living room. He generally tried to avoid lingering in the Mill for any longer than strictly necessary; no more than the time it took to pick Seb up and drop him off. And even then, he tended to focus his gaze entirely on his son (not that it was difficult, he could watch Seb forever), reluctant to look too closely at the place he’d once called home. The home he’d lost. 

The reason he never took up Aaron’s offer to take Seb up was because that would mean waking past their bedroom – now just Aaron’s bedroom. Maybe, one day, Aaron and some other bloke’s bedroom. That was more than he could bear.

But now that he finally let himself take the place in, he could see just how little had changed. Aaron had kept everything pretty much the same, with the exception of Seb’s toys scattered around the place, and the new photos on the mantlepiece. Pictures of Seb at various ages, sometimes with Aaron, sometimes with Victoria and Diane. Pictures of Aaron various Dingles. None of Robert.

Other than that, it was like he’d gone back in time. And he couldn’t stand it.

Just as he was about to give into the urge to bolt out the door, Aaron came down the stairs.

“Hey.”

“Hiya.”

Robert looked at Aaron expectantly, waiting for him to speak, but Aaron just fidgeted, tucking his hands into his sleeves in a way that was so familiar, it made Robert’s chest ache. He didn’t look angry, though, which was something. 

There had been angry talks – shouting matches, really – when Robert had first returned three months ago, of course there had. Aaron had screamed and cried, pushing at Robert’s chest as he yelled in his face about what he’d done. How he’d cut Aaron off like he was nothing, like _they_ were nothing. How Aaron had almost lost Seb because of it.

When Robert had found out he was being released, that he was regaining his freedom after four years instead of fourteen, he hadn’t had much time to prepare. But he used the little time he did have to imagine what he’d do when he saw Aaron, what he’d say.

So he’d taken it all, every furious word and shove Aaron threw his way, and when his tearful ex-husband eventually ran out of steam, he’d tried to explain himself as best he could. Told him how sorry he was for what he’d done, but that it was the only way he could cope. That he only wanted Aaron to be free and happy, not wasting the best years of his life tied to some convict on the other side of the country.

To his credit, Aaron had listened to what he had to say, only interrupting with the occasional incredulous scoff. Eventually, when they were both all talked out, he’d sighed, shoulders slumped and hands scraping across his exhausted face.

“Do you want to see Seb?” He’d asked quietly.

“I – of course I do. Does he still… ”

“He knows who you are, I didn’t let him forget. I wouldn’t do that to you.”

“I know you wouldn’t.”

Now, they were… civil. Which was a word Robert never thought he’d use to describe the two of them, but here they were. 

Robert would come and take Seb out for the day, or sometimes the three of them would go to the Woolpack for their tea together (Chas and Paddy shooting daggers in their direction the entire time). Seb was… well, he was as incredible as Robert always knew he’d be. He filled any tension and silence with cheerful laughter and nonstop chatter about something he’d learned at school, or something funny one of his friends had done that day. 

Sometimes Robert and Aaron would both chuckle at Seb and their eyes would catch, matching grins on their faces. Or Robert would start telling Seb a story from when he was baby or before he was born, and he would catch Aaron smiling fondly at the memory.

And just for a split second, Robert could almost pretend that everything was normal. That they were still the same family they’d been before he’d gone and and screwed everything up. 

Saying goodbye was always hard; watching the two of them walk away, hand in hand, in the direction of the Mill. While he wrapped his jacket tightly around himself and wandered back to Diane’s spare room. Where he’d take the medication he’d been prescribed since his first year in prison, then lie in his single bed and squeeze his eyes shut in an attempt to block out the memories of the last four years; the nightly screams of other inmates, the vicious fights and the terror of what might become of him. The sheer fucking hopelessness of it all. 

When that didn’t work, he’d throw open the window and stick his head out, whatever the weather, gulping in fresh Yorkshire air until he no longer felt like he was trapped in a cramped cell. And when _that_ didn’t work… all that was left to do was curl up on the floor and just wait for the fear and anxiety to pass, really. However long it took.

It wasn’t easy, but it was more than he ever thought he’d get – more than he deserved – so he vowed to just take each day as it came and be grateful for it.

Now, he watched Aaron cross to the other side of the Mill’s living room silently. He had no idea what was coming, but with how things had been between them, he doubted it was anything good.

“So… what’s up?”

“I just wanted – I thought we could talk?”

“Okay… ”

Aaron fiddled with a LEGO car on the mantlepiece. “Seb really loves having you here, you know. Ever since you came back, you’ve been all he talks about.”

“He’s amazing.” Despite his nerves, Robert was helpless to stop the proud smile that spread across his face. “I knew he would be, I knew you’d be amazing with him, too. He couldn’t ask for a better dad than you.”

“He missed you,” said Aaron, chewing his bottom lip. “I know you think that – that he didn’t remember you properly or that you being gone for a while makes you less of a dad to him, but that’s not true. He missed you so much.”

“I missed him, too. Every day.” _I missed both of you. So much I thought it’d kill me._

Aaron nodded idly, almost to himself, before he began pacing slowly in front of the fireplace. He looked like he was building up to something. Robert’s stomach churned uncomfortably.

“Aaron? Are you alright?”

Aaron nodded again, before speaking quietly.

“You hurt me, Robert. You just cut me off, no explanation, no asking me how I felt, nothing.”

Robert swallowed thickly. He wasn’t sure he had the strength for this conversation again. “I know. I’m sorry, I did what I thought was – ”

Aaron cut him off with a wave of his hand. He didn’t look angry, though, not really.

“I know, and I get it. Don’t get me wrong, I fucking hate it, hate the way you did it, but I get why. And it’s not like I didn’t mess up, too,” Aaron’s mouth twisted with regret. “I could’ve tried harder to get through to you, change your mind.”

“Aaron, no, you don’t – ”

“No, you were my husband,” Aaron cut him off again. “You were my _husband_ and I knew that you were hurting, that your mind must have been in a terrible place to push me away like that. I should have pushed back, I should’ve fought for you. But I didn’t, I just accepted it and let you go, and now – now we’re here.”

Robert didn’t know what to do with that. He’d always prided himself on being able to read Aaron like a book, even before they were properly together. But now, he had no clue what his ex-husband was thinking, and it was setting him on edge.

“It’s been four years,” Aaron pressed on, still walking back and forth across the rug and rubbing a hand across his beard. “So much has happened and we’re not the same people we were before. I’ve changed and you… you’ve been through hell. You’ve been walking around acting like you’re fine but I know you’re not, don’t try to deny it.”

Robert wasn’t about to. He’d learned a long time ago that Aaron could always see through whatever mask he tried to throw on. He’d been tearing down Robert’s walls since the day he’d met him.

“We have to – to figure out how we fit into each other’s lives now. There’s so much to work through, it’s gonna take time.”

“I know,” Robert whispered, unable to bring himself to look up from the floor. 

He did know, of course he did. Even in his most hopeful moments, when he dreamed of the best-case scenario versions of him returning to the village, he’d always known that he’d never be able to just swan back into Aaron’s world like nothing had happened, like he hadn’t ruined everything.

“And I wanted to ask you… ” 

Aaron finally stopped pacing, spinning slowly on his heels to face Robert properly.

“I wanted to ask you if we can skip all of that?”

_Wait… what?_

Robert’s head shot up to finally look Aaron in the face, and he was shocked to see his ex-husband looking at him pleadingly, his eyes shining with unshed tears.

“Can we please just skip to the part where you’re my husband again?”

And Robert’s mind suddenly flashed back to a cold February night on the doorstep of Keeper’s Cottage, one that seemed like a hundred lifetimes ago.

_“Please Robert, will you – will you just come home with me?”_

He opened and closed his mouth wordlessly, hardly daring to believe it. He’d run out of last chances with Aaron a long time ago; he couldn’t be that lucky again, he just _couldn’t_.

Undeterred by Robert’s silence, Aaron continued speaking earnestly.

“I’m so sick of being angry and sad, of missing you, missing what we had. I’m sick of trying to explain to Seb why you can’t move back in with us, when I don’t know why myself. We’ve already lost so much time and I don’t want to lose any more. Because the thing is – ” he took a deep breath. “ – I _love_ you, I never stopped loving you. And you – you still love me too, right?”

His voice wavered slightly, a hint of uncertainty creeping in for the first time since he’d started speaking.

That was enough to jolt Robert out of his silence. “Of _course_ I do. I never stopped loving you, not for a _second_.”

“Well that’s enough, isn’t it?” Aaron shrugged a little helplessly. “We can work out the rest as we go, and I know it won’t be easy but… I told you just before – before I lost you that we deserved a happy ending and I still believe that. We do.” 

The tears were spilling over now, running rapidly down his cheeks as he took a tiny step towards Robert, his arms outstretched ever so slightly. 

And well. Robert was only human.

Aaron barely had time to catch him before he was practically falling into his arms, clutching desperately and unleashing long-buried sobs into his shoulder. Tears that he’d held inside since the first time he’d clapped eyes on Aaron again were falling freely before he could stop them.

“I’m s-so sorry I – I missed you s-so – _Aaron,_ ” he choked out between painful cries. He might have been embarrassed if he hadn’t been so overwhelmed, a rush of emotions crashing over him like a tidal wave.

“Shh, hey, it’s alright, you’re alright. I’m here, I’ve got you… ” 

And it was true, Aaron did. Planting himself like a sturdy tree, strong arms practically holding Robert up as he clung to him so hard it had to be hurting him.

They stood like that for a while, swaying slightly as Robert let out muffled sobs into Aaron’s top, while Aaron stroked his back and cried along with him – albeit more quietly.

Eventually, Robert pulled back, heart hammering as he looked Aaron properly in the eye for the first time in four years. Wide blue eyes – the ones that he’d tried so hard to picture every night in his cell – bore into his, still shiny with tears, but full of warmth and affection that Robert hadn’t felt in so long.

Later, Robert wouldn’t be able to remember who moved first, but before he knew it Aaron’s lips were against his, tasting of salt from their mingled tears but still so familiar. Kissing him felt like coming up for air after being underwater for too long. They surged together, intense and fierce, and Robert could hear a soft moan, but he wasn’t sure which of them it was coming from. Perhaps it was both.

A voice within the darkest part of Robert’s brain was screaming internally, convinced this couldn’t actually be happening, he must be dreaming again, or that any second now Aaron was about to come to his senses and push him away, insist he’d made a mistake. 

But it gradually faded away as his mind became a swirling haze of everything Aaron. The way Aaron’s lips pressed against his own, the way he briefly pulled away only to push back in seconds later. The way his hands alternated between threading through Robert’s air and gripping tightly at his waist. The way he slid Robert’s jacket off his shoulders so smoothly, like he always used to do when they did this.

Eventually Aaron spun them around and walked them back until he was sitting on the sofa and pulling Robert on top of him, legs on either side of his hips, mouths barely parting the entire time. Robert practically crawled up the length of Aaron’s body, looping his arms around Aaron’s neck and pressing closer and closer until there wasn’t an inch of space between them.

Aaron’s hands gradually moved from from they’d been splayed across Robert’s thighs, travelling to his arse and up his back, burning handprints searing through the material of his jumper. Robert couldn’t help the way his body moved, the way his hips rolled down like they’d done a thousand times before. He never could help himself when it came to Aaron.

“Fuck, _Rob_ ,” Aaron whined, breaking the kiss and sighing breathily into his ear.

Robert could feel Aaron moving under him, the way his hips stuttered up into his, meeting him motion for motion until they were both gasping. Aaron moved a hand to Robert’s front and rested it on his waistband before pausing, looking up at him questioningly. Robert gave a nod that he hoped translated to _‘God yes, anything you want’_ , and Aaron was fumbling with their belts and zippers, before taking them both in his callused hand.

From there, it was a blissful, sweaty blur… Aaron working them both while pressing open wet kisses to Robert’s neck, occasionally moaning Robert’s name like it was the only one he knew. It was all Robert could do to hold on, roaming his hands and mouth over every bit of Aaron he could reach. 

It was so much, too much, and it was all over in minutes, before Robert even had a chance to catch his breath. He keened under Aaron’s touch, arching his back and coming so hard he was dizzy with it. Aaron soon followed, kissing Robert hard with a muffled groan.

Robert slumped against Aaron, dropping his sticky forehead on his as they panted against each other’s mouths. He couldn’t stop shaking.

“You okay?” Aaron curled a hand around the back of his neck, fingers gently stroking the sensitive skin there. Robert nodded, damp blond hair brushing against brunette curls.

“In my defence,” he mumbled weakly, his voice hoarse. “It’s been four years.” 

Aaron snorted slightly, and suddenly they were giggling like kids, eyes crinkling and noses rubbing together.

“I love you,” Aaron said softly, eyes bright and sparkling.

“I love you, too. I love you so much,” Robert murmured back.

“I never should have let you go.” Aaron wrapped both arms around Robert’s back in a vice grip like he planned to keep him there forever. Robert wasn’t about to complain, this was the first time he’d actually felt safe in longer than he cared to remember.

“I just wanted you to be happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.” He squeezed his eyes shut against a wave of fresh tears.

“I’m only _happy_ when I’m with you.” From the way his voice wobbled, Aaron sounded equally as affected. 

They took another moment to breathe each other in, before Aaron leaned back to pull his own top over his head and use it to clean up the worst of the mess they’d made. He chucked it on the floor and reached up to cradle Robert’s jaw, looking pleased when Robert automatically tilted his head into it.

“Here’s what’s going to happen,” he said, his voice sure and determined. “You’re gonna come home to me. We’re gonna raise our son together. We’re gonna be a boring old married couple again – well maybe not _boring_ , knowing us, but you get the point – and we won’t look back.”

Robert huffed a laugh. It sounded strange coming out of his mouth, unfamiliar.

“Just like that?”

“Mm-hm.”

“You think Seb’ll be okay with it?”

“Did you not hear me before? He’s literally been asking for you to come home every day since you got released. If anything, he’ll just be annoyed it’s taken so long.”

Robert blinked rapidly. “I don’t deserve – ”

Aaron pressed a palm to Robert’s mouth firmly. “Oi, stop it. You deserve everythin’.”

Robert took hold of Aaron’s wrist and pressed a quick kiss to it.

“I’m not… ” he hesitated, loathe to ruin the moment. But Aaron should know what he was getting himself into. “You weren’t wrong earlier, I’m not okay. I’m… a bit of a mess actually.”

“I know,” Aaron smiled gently up at him. “But that’s alright. Whatever’s happened, whatever’s going on up here… ” he tapped a gentle finger on Robert’s temple. “We’ll get through it. Together. Yeah?” He raised his eyebrows.

Robert nodded slowly. “Yeah… ”

“So?” He kissed Robert lightly. “What d’you think?”

“I think I’d like to come home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't know if there are any Buffy fans reading, but Aaron's plea to Robert was totally inspired by the Willow/Tara reunion scene (RIP Twillo).


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick heads up, there's some discussion of Robert's mental health issues in this chapter. Please see notes at the bottom if you'd like more detail about what that involves.

They’d ended up sprawled along the length of the sofa; Aaron on his back with Robert on top of him, head resting on his chest, and a blanket thrown over them. Low light from a single lamp and the rhythmic tapping of raindrops on the window panes gave the room a soft, cozy atmosphere. The calming afterglow of the raw and charged emotions that had come before.

Aaron couldn’t help smiling when he noticed Robert gently tapping his index finger in time with Aaron’s heartbeat. It was something he’d done even when they’d been having an affair, back when they were idiots trying to convince themselves they weren’t inevitable. So long ago now…

“Seb does this sometimes,” he said, stroking a hand along Robert’s back.

“Hm?”

“Lies on top of me, uses me as a pillow while we watch Disney films.”

“Can’t blame him, you’ve always made a comfy pillow,” Robert mumbled, rubbing his head against his chest like a cat. “He has so many toys lying around,” he cast an eye around the living room. “S’nice. Homey.”

“God, you should look at the state of his room,” Aaron chuckled. “I try to get him to tidy up after himself, but I think he’s inherited my messy streak. Sorry about that.”

“Don’t be, there’s worse things to inherit.”

“You’ve not seen his room yet, have you?” 

Robert’s reluctance to go upstairs, the way he resisted making himself too comfortable in the Mill hadn’t passed Aaron by. If Seb ever wanted to show Robert something, he asked him to bring it down for him to see, which Seb was only too happy to do. He was always so excited for the chance to share something with his dad, Robert’s discomfort tended to go unnoticed by the six year-old, thankfully.

“No… ” he looked awkward, like he’d been caught out in a lie.

“Well,” Aaron scrunched a hand in Robert’s hair, the way that he knew he loved. “You can see it tomorrow. See all the pictures of you on the walls.”

“The what?”

Aaron grinned slightly. “Yeah, photos of you, pictures of you that he’s drawn, they’re all over the wall above his bed, right next to his Avengers poster. Proper little gallery.”

“Oh… ”

“And my pictures of you,” Robert’s head twisted up to look at him with surprise. “Are in the bedroom, in your bedside table drawer.”

“I thought… ” Robert glanced around the living room, and Aaron knew exactly what he’d thought.

“When Cain and boys moved in, there wasn’t a lot of room. He wanted to put up pictures his lot, especially Debbie and Jack, since they were in Scotland and he was missing them. So I moved my photos of us upstairs. Got my mum off my back about it, too.”

He shot Robert a wry grin. “Obviously she had no idea that I was keeping them right next to me every night. I’d take them out and look at them before I went to sleep sometimes. Made me feel close to you.”

Robert shook his head, but there was a pleased smile on his face.

“I did the same thing with my pictures of you and Seb. Every night.”

The idea of him and Robert looking at photos of each other – perhaps the same photos – on the same nights, at the same time, filled Aaron’s chest with warmth.

“What was it like living with Cain, then?” Robert asked curiously

“Ugh, like sharing a house with the Grinch most of the time, but we got on alright. You would’ve killed him, though.”

Robert huffed a laugh. “No doubt.”

“I nearly killed him myself back in 2020, when we were on lockdown. Bloody nightmare, honestly.”

Robert lay quietly, for a moment, fingers skating across Aaron’s torso.

“Did you ever get my letter?” He asked. “The one I sent during that whole coronavirus nightmare?”

“I did, yeah,” Aaron cleared his throat uncomfortably. “M’sorry I didn’t reply, I just – ”

“No, it’s okay. I didn’t really expect you to.” Aaron knew Robert meant it, and the reassurance should have brought him comfort, but something about the easy resignation in Robert’s voice made him ache a little.

“It meant everythin’ to hear from you, though,” he pressed a kiss to the crown of Robert’s head. “Things were so uncertain and scary back then, and when I heard the virus was spreading in prisons… I got so worried.”

“I was alright, I didn’t catch it. I mean, yeah, it did spread in the prison, but I was mostly separate from everyone else at the time so… ”

Aaron frowned. “Separate? What, like solitary confinement? Tell me you weren’t getting into fights Rob – ”

“No, nothing like that, it was… ” Robert trailed off, looking uncomfortable all of a sudden.

“Rob?”

“I was – I was on suicide watch back then.”

Something in Aaron’s heart cracked so painfully, so loudly, he wondered if Robert heard it.

“You were… ”

“Yeah.”

“I – for how long?”

“Most of that year, on and off. Or I was in the medical wing.”

The thing was, Aaron knew Robert had suffered in prison, he’d known it the second he clapped eyes on him again. He was underweight, his face was pale and his eyes were vacant. His voice was quieter, and his movements were slow and timid in a way Aaron had never seen before. That was what prison did to people, it was impossible to come out the same. Aaron knew that all too well, and he’d only ever done a few weeks or months at a time.

But he’d hoped, perhaps naively, that Robert wouldn’t have struggled in the ways that he had, he wouldn’t have faced the same demons in there. Not Robert. Not his strong, confident, beautiful Robert, who didn’t take shit from anyone or anything. Who always picked himself back up every time he got knocked down. To think of him in any other way was unfathomable.

“Did – did you try to… ” Aaron couldn’t even bring himself to choke out the words, it hurt too much.

“I… ” Robert hesitated. “Are you sure you want to hear this?”

He didn’t, he really didn’t. “Yeah, of course I do. If you wanna tell me.”

Robert gave a small nod and began playing with the string of Aaron’s hoodie.

“Not long after I was transferred, I got a bit… funny about food. I couldn’t keep much down, and I started skipping meals here and there. By the new year I was barely eating. I couldn’t sleep because of all the noise, and I’d just lie awake at night, worrying about you, thinking about what I’d done to you… drove myself half mad with it. But when I did sleep, I kept having nightmares and sleep paralysis so I just… tried to avoid sleeping altogether.”

Robert tilted his head up to look at him.

“You remember when I had that seizure? Not long before our wedding?”

Aaron frowned. “Yeah, course.”

“I started having them again. Took me ages to work out what was going on, I kept waking up on the floor of my cell with a banging headache and no idea what had happened.”

Before he could stop it, Aaron’s mind conjured up the image of Robert lying alone on the floor; no one there to help him, no one told hold his hand or to protect his head from hitting the hard concrete. His scared confusion when he came back around. It was almost more than Aaron could bear.

“Eventually the guy in the cell next to mine heard one time, I think I must have knocked something over when it started and he heard the noise, told a guard. They took me to the medical wing and saw what a state I was in, tried to get me better. But I was refusing food and I couldn’t sleep for more than an hour or so at a time. And then… ” Robert sighed heavily, looked back down at Aaron’s chest.

“I was so out of it, I don’t really remember what happened but… I guess I smashed a glass of water one night, hurt myself with it. I’m not sure if I meant to or not. I don’t know, it’s all such a blur, all I can remember is seeing blood on my arm. Next thing I know, I’m on suicide watch.”

The living room began to swim in front of Aaron as hot tears rapidly spilled out of his eyes.

“Rob… ”

Robert leaned up to wipe Aaron’s cheeks gently. “Hey, no, don’t. It’s okay, I’m still here. More or less,” he tried for a reassuring smile, but it fell a bit flat.

“What happened?” Aaron asked, suddenly overwhelmed with the need to know everything he’d missed in the last four years. The idea of Robert going through something so horrendous without his knowledge, without him being able to help, seemed so _wrong_ in his mind.

“The doctors tried to get me well again. Took ages for them to get me start eating, think I drove the guards nuts when I wouldn’t touch my food. But by that point I’d gone so long without it, it was hard to start again, y’know? But I got there in the end, didn’t have a choice, really.”

He looked at Aaron a little self-consciously.

“I still don’t eat as much as I did. Before prison, I mean. I don’t mean to, I just… I have days where I forget sometimes. But I’m trying to do better.”

Aaron rapidly filtered through memories of the times when Robert had eaten in the Woolpack with him and Seb over the past few months. What did he order? Did he clear his plate or just pick at the food on it? Aaron couldn’t remember. 

He stroked a hand up and down Robert’s sides, fingers following the curves and bumps of protruding ribs. He’d felt them earlier, but hadn’t stopped to dwell on what they might mean, other than being the product of a shitty prison diet. 

“Okay,” he swallowed thickly. “That’s okay, we can deal with that.”

“They gave me some meds to help me sleep properly, so I could think straight and my head wasn’t quite so…” Robert waved his hand. “And I saw the counsellor. He was good, helped me through it, stopped me from feeling quite so awful all the time. Helped me feel like maybe there was still some point to me existing.”

Aaron wanted to find this counsellor and kiss him. Or buy him a thousand pints, whatever it took to thank him for keeping his husband alive.

“He got me to open up about some stuff. About myself, about my life, about you,” he said, mouth quirking in a half-smile. “Think he must’ve been sick of hearing about you in the end.”

Aaron smirked, trailing a finger across Robert’s eyebrow. “Impossible, I’m a top bloke.”

“He’s the one who convinced me to send you the letter.”

“Oh. I’m glad he did.”

“Me too,” said Robert quietly. “Took awhile, but him and the doctors got me back on track. Got me leaving my cell more, going outside more, got me to sign up for a couple of courses to pass the time.”

“That’s brilliant, Robert.”

“After that, prison was, well, it was still prison. It was hell. And I still had bad days, still had some nightmares and struggled to eat sometimes. But it never got as bad as that first year.”

Aaron sighed and tightened his grip on Robert. He’d come so close to losing him and he hadn’t even known it.

“They, er… ” Robert’s eyes darted to Aaron’s before looking off to one side, his cheeks flushing. “They also diagnosed me with depression and PTSD, gave me medication for it. And – and I still take it.” 

Aaron caught his cheek, tilting his head until he caught his eye again. 

“That’s alright, there’s nothing wrong with getting help. I told you, we’ll figure it out together. Whether that’s seeing a doctor or getting more counselling, anything you need… ”

“I just feel like – ” Robert scrubbed a frustrated hand over his eyes. “I’m not the person you married anymore. I don’t know how to be.”

“You don’t have to be anything, Rob. All you have to do is just let me look after you. God knows you’ve done it for me enough times, eh?” He smiled, digging his hands into Robert’s sides until he squirmed and smiled back.

Aaron couldn’t resist pulling him down for a slow kiss, trying his best to pour as much affection and reassurance into it as he could.

“You’re still my Robert,” he whispered when they eventually broke apart. “You always will be.”

Robert blew out a breath and stroked a thumb across Aaron’s beard, making his eyes flutter with pleasure. 

“Your family’s gonna hate this.” He wasn’t wrong there.

“Good thing it’s not up to them.”

“They don’t want me anywhere near you.”

“They didn’t want me anywhere near Seb, either,” Aaron muttered darkly.

“What?” Robert frowned at him, brow crinkling with surprise.

Aaron thought back to three years ago, when Rebecca was suddenly gone and just like that, he was all Seb had in the world. How his mum and Paddy, even Liv, had stated their belief that Seb wasn’t Aaron’s responsibility anymore, that he hadn’t been for a long time. That Seb was part of his past and he should be looking to the future. That Seb having his world upended once again would mean he’d be troubled, hard work, and it would take time and commitment to settle him again.

As if that would be enough to stop Aaron from rushing to bring his little boy home in a heartbeat. As if, just because he wasn’t with Robert anymore and Rebecca had denied contact, he now thought of Seb as anything less than his own.

When he’d sorted custody and the dust had settled, Aaron kept some distance between Seb and his family; if he needed help or babysitting, he went to Diane and Victoria. Or occasionally Cain, since he’d been the only Dingle to tell Aaron in no uncertain terms that he should do whatever it took to get his son back.

His parents had tried to make amends down the line, but the damage had been done. No more Nana Chas or Grandad Paddy, not after the things that had been said. Liv had moved out not long after; the distance in their relationship that had begun when Robert left becoming too wide. He still spoke to them all, still popped into the pub to see his parents and Eve, still texted and facetimed Liv each week. But that was the extent of it, lines were drawn and the boundaries were set.

Now Aaron gazed at Robert, who was still waiting for an answer. He looked open and vulnerable, more fragile than Aaron had ever seen him.

“That’s… a story for another day. Not worth getting into right now.” He shook his head. “Let’s just say, I don’t put much stock in the way my family tries to tell me to live my life these days.”

Robert nodded slowly, still looking mildly concerned.

Aaron sighed. “I don’t know about you, but I’m knackered. You wanna go to bed?”

Robert paused and glanced towards the stairs; Aaron could see him swallowing nervously.

“Or we can just stay down here, I don’t mind. My back might, and my neck will definitely be sore by the morning, but you know, it’s up to you… ” He shrugged, picking at his nails with an air of nonchalance.

Robert stared at him for a moment, before rolling his eyes and propping himself up on his elbows.

“I know what you’re doing, Dingle.”

“Sugden-Dingle. If I have my way.”

Robert choked out a small laugh. “You usually do.”

“So? Bed?” He waggled his eyebrows at him.

“Okay,” Robert said softly. “Bed.”

Aaron led Robert upstairs, tugging him closely behind him as they quickly checked on Seb before reaching the bedroom. 

As they crossed the threshold and Aaron flicked a lamp on, Robert stood awkwardly by the doorway, watching him pull the covers back. Aaron was struck by a memory of Robert standing in the exact same spot the last time he had brought him home. He’d been hesitant then, too.

“Alright?”

“Yeah… s’just weird being back here.” Robert mumbled, looking around, taking in furniture and decor that hadn’t changed since the last time they’d slept in this room together.

“Yeah, I bet,” said Aaron, approaching him slowly and snaking his arms under Robert’s shoulders, squeezing gently.

“Can I borrow some pyjamas, please?”

“Sure. Or you can wear your own, if you want?” Aaron nodded to the wardrobe.

“You kept… ”

“I was gonna throw everything out at first,” said Aaron, biting his lip. “Not long after I got the divorce papers… I was so angry, shoved all your stuff into binbags. I nearly chucked them, but Victoria convinced me to let her store them in her attic.”

He pressed a kiss to Robert’s jaw, trailed his mouth along light stubble. “A couple of weeks ago, I went round to hers and asked for them back.”

Robert gaped at him wordlessly. 

“I knew I wanted you home.” Aaron laughed a little hysterically. “I think I knew it within half an hour of seeing you again, whether I wanted to admit it or not.” 

Robert sighed, rested his head against Aaron’s. “I thought Vic had been even more relentlessly cheerful than usual recently. That’s at least one person who’ll be happy about us, I suppose… ”

“Think Cain’ll be in our corner, too.”

“Cain? Since when has he been a fan of you and me?”

“You’d be surprised.” Aaron grinned and pecked his lips lightly. “So, shall we? I really wasn’t kidding when I said I’m knackered. And you look exhausted.”

“Oh, sweet-talking me already, I see how it is."

They got ready for bed quickly, washing the uncomfortable stickiness of dried tears off their faces before sliding under the duvet. They gravitated towards each other, arms and legs intertwining automatically.

“Just a heads up – I, uh, I might toss around a bit in the night,” Robert warned him, looking slightly sheepish.

“Can’t be any worse than your kicking. Nothing my shins haven’t dealt with before.”

Robert sighed and nudged Aaron’s cheek with his nose. “I can’t believe I’m here.”

“Me neither. But I’m so glad. And Seb’ll be so excited to see you in the morning.”

They grinned at each other.

“You think you can sleep?” Aaron asked, reaching up to brush hair off Robert’s forehead, flattened from when he’d splashed water on his face in the en-suite.

Robert hummed and nodded, gazing at him with half-lidded eyes.

They lay quietly for a moment, sharing breath and space in the darkness.

“We’re gonna make it, you and me,” whispered Aaron, unable to stop his voice from cracking. “I love you,” he added, suddenly desperate to make sure Robert heard it.

He’d said it dozens of times over the last few years, speaking the words into an empty bedroom, childishly hoping that they’d somehow be carried all the way down to a prison cell on the Isle of Wight.

“I love you, too,” Robert whispered back, fingers interlocking with Aaron’s and squeezing tightly. “There wasn’t a day where I didn’t think about you. Even though we were apart, even though I wanted you to move on, I never stopped. You know?”

“I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: discussion of self-harm, issues with eating, and mention of depression and PTSD.


End file.
